I had enough pain, I don’t want it anymore…
It hurts, and you want to get rid of the pain. You don’t want it anymore. You don’t want to live with it anymore… You don’t want to feel it because it hurts too bad. But you don’t want to dig and go through it.
When you decide to wear your heart on your sleeve, you dig through the darkness, inside you and find the pain. When you don’t want to deal with it, you stop. You’ll leave it for another time. You leave it in the idea that someone else will help you and dig for you. You think that you avoid the pain.
Other times you dig… more or less. But you know the pain is right there and lurks at every corner no matter where you start digging from. It stalks you and bites you. It hurts. You are tired of the pain, and don’t want it anymore…
Despite that, we know it is there inside. We know that wherever we go or hide, it is still there. We carry it with us wherever we go or hide.
We know we are lying to ourselves and we continue to do it. For how long? Until we fall. How low can we fall? At such a low level we have never thought we could. Then, we feel we will need to make some choices if we want to live differently than we have done so far.
It is because, big or small, the pain is ours. It belongs to us. It leads us to forgotten and unforgiven places, people and events. No matter how much others help us or how much they want to help us, pain is part of us. We carry within. No one and nothing can release it from us but ourselves.
When we start to accept it as part of us, when we accept that it needs to hurt us like hell, we start to free ourselves from it.
That pain has power. It can make us accept the darkness as part of us. Accepting and living it to the fullest makes it burns and transforms into a scar. Starting from that point, we feel that pain is leaving us.
We know we had enough pain and do not want it anymore when we start digging into darkness and living the pain. Enduring pain, we endure the darkness within us. Its freedom brings us acceptance of a part of the darkness inside us. We find the light we love because pain and darkness make us see it.
I will love the light because it shows me the way, but I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.
Og Mandino
Love, Manuela
