I look at the man in front of me in astonishment and can not believe what he was saying. After all the years we’ve spent together, after all I have done just to know that he’s fine, that he’s happy….
I can not find my words. I am angry, cry, and I don’t understand anything anymore. My life, our life is breaking piece by piece every day. Life has become a torment since I told him that I wanted to leave the places where we have lived for several years. That I no longer want to stay where we are, and I want to return home … to my country.
The torment begins the moment we open our eyes. The day starts with arguments and ends with them. All I hear are accusations that I do not take care of my partner’s happiness, and am not submissive, as the church says….
I would not have believed until then that after all the years we have spent together, for better or worse, after everything we have been through, I would be told that I don’t want him to be happy. I didn’t think the man next to me could be so selfish. I didn’t think he couldn’t see and understand that I wanted something different from what he wanted.
I couldn’t believe you are guilty and accused if you dare to tell your partner what you want. I was haunted by the same questions every day: What did I not do right? What should I have changed? When was the right time to change something? Is it wrong to be honest? Is it wrong to say what you want? How can I convince him that it is not my intention to leave him, but it was my wish to return…?
I felt like I was crying in front of a closed door. That my life could end right then and there if I didn’t make a decision, even if it was just my own…. Even if that decision meant the end of the relationship. If I don’t let myself be guided by the voice that wants to come to light.
In a few months, we have become two strangers living together under one roof. I understood that as long as I didn’t do what he wanted or how he wanted, I was guilty of everything he wanted and said he didn’t have. Then, I decided and assumed the consequences regardless of what they were…
In life, we fall and cry, waiting for someone’s mercy, or we fall, and cry and rise. It is our choice.
Crying too much, you end up asking for mercy from those around you. You become a victim, and sometimes we like being where we are. It becomes a comfortable place. It makes us feel safe. But is there such a thing as safety?
Among the tears and hiccups, I understood that I cannot do what others want just to please them. I’ve learned that sitting and crying in front of the closed door, in time, you become frustrated, victimize yourself, look for others to solve your problems, and you look for a dependency on something or someone. You are prone to diseases.
By rising, you learn that every failure means lessons to be learned. You understand the lessons are yours, and no matter how much help you get, you are the only one who can stand up for yourself. You learn that you are the one who needs to understand where your pain is coming from and begin to see that life can not be lived crying in front of closed doors.
What you want to do and what you can do, are limited only by what you can dream. Mike Melville — Astronaut
Life is lived by trying every door in front of you. By trying to become curious to see what else life has in store for you. Doing this even many times, you become stronger and more confident. You become your best version.
The more you fall, and rise, the more you will not be scared of failures. You can rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. You start understanding it is the way to learn that you can change the path you were on. That you can make other choices in life. The choices take you down perhaps untrodden roads, but you learn that it is good to be curious to discover new things and to see your uniqueness.
We say some people are beacons of light to others. But to get there, you need to rise yourself up every time you fall and keep going. You need to go with no fear through the darkness that surrounds you. To leave forgiveness and kindness behind you. To turn your light on.
You will meet people who will help you, who can guide you to get rid of your inside baggage, but only you can reveal the light beyond the doors of the soul. You are the one who can turn on the light on your life’s path!